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Si ce n’est vain
Etape nécessaire d’un chemin de croix, éternelle répétition aux conséquences parfois douloureuses, obligation sans fin pour un hors-norme souhaitant mettre en lumière sa vérité ordinaire. Un coming-out. Ou devrai-je dire des coming-out. Parce qu’il n’y en a pas qu’un mais souvent plusieurs.
Parce qu’une relation amicale, familiale ne peut être saine sans jouer carte sur table, il arrive un jour où il est trop lourd de garder son placard fermé. Alors, petit à petit, j’ai ouvert les pans de mon jardin pour l’aérer, pour m’évader et m’épanouir. Prudemment dans un premier temps, j’ai testé cette ouverture auprès d’amis façonnés sur les bancs de la fac pour voir si j’étais capable d’en parler et surtout pour me confronter à leurs réactions.
Et la tâche ne paraissait pas aussi évidente…puisque mon meilleur ami ne m’épargnait guère de ses « blagues » potaches homophobes.
Février 2001. Paris 10ème. Petit studio de la rue de Belleville. S., G. et moi.
Petite réunion entre potes pour exposer nos impressions respectives sur nos internats débutants. Ce n’était point ce sujet de discussion qui m’intéressait de prime abord même s’il m’éloignait agréablement de ce que je ressentais derrière ma poitrine, cette peur primale, ce tamtam infernal d’un cœur qui déraille comme celui d’un enfant pris en faute devant une bêtise ou un interdit qu’il n’aurait pas du franchir. Une angoisse dévorante, étouffante…celle de perdre des êtres aimés après avoir subi un jugement définitif et négatif sur son mode de vie.
Fallait que je me lance et que je sache.
La discussion bifurqua sur les amours de G. Ce devait être le bon moment parce j’ai pris la parole à ce moment là
Moi (M) : « J’aime les Hommes. ». C’est brut de décoffrage mais au moins ça a le mérite d’être limpide !
S : « ah ben quand même tu le dis après toutes ces années !! »
Pas de réaction de G. Lui, d’habitude si logorrhéique, s’était transformé en carpe cloué au pilori.
M : « …ah…euh…tu le savais ?? »
S : « Je ne suis pas aveugle…je m’en doutais et puis je t’ai lancé des perches non ? »
M : « Euh oui peut-être mais je n’ai pas du capté alors… »
G. est passé par toutes les couleurs, mais toujours sans le son.
Pendant que le mutisme de G. m’inquiétait, S. m’expliquait comment elle avait deviné, ma sensibilité, ma façon d’être, mon absence évidente de machisme sur les femmes…Elle me demandait alors comment il s’appelait et comment je l’avais rencontré…
G. sortit de son silence
G : « Je n’en reviens pas. C’est un choc. Je ne m’y attendais pas. Ce n’est pas possible…non mais je vais m’y faire mais ouf c’est dur là quand même. T’aurais pu prévenir ! »
M : « qu’est-ce que je suis en train de faire ?…tu sais ce n’est pas forcément évident et puis tu ne m’as pas forcément aidé avec tes blagues à deux balles que j’ai du supporté et même faire semblant de rire ! »
G : « oui mais tu me connais…je suis une grande gueule… nan mais ça c’est terrible…enfin je vais m’habituer…mais ça ne change rien tu sais après toutes ces années ! »
M : « euh…merci »
G : « T’es con quand même, je vais devoir faire gaffe à ce que je dis maintenant !!…et ça va pas être facile…faudra pas m’en vouloir si je dérape ! »
M : « T’inquiètes pas va, j’te connais…et puis ne change pas pour moi… ! »
Cela s’était plutôt bien déroulé. Pas de rejet. Pas d’incompréhension. Sans doute des regrets de la part de S….j’ai toujours pensé qu’elle était amoureuse de moi mais je ne le saurai jamais…quant à G., fervent catholique pratiquant pour lequel il m’était interdit de critiquer le Pape et la religion, il m’a étonné sur mon acceptation car je sais que cela devait être difficile pour lui d’intégrer cette nouvelle donnée. Mais c’est passé comme une lettre à la poste. Il faisait attention à ses propos, m’a invité à être son témoin à son mariage ( et pour moi ce fut une grande preuve d’amitié !) et il reste encore à ce jour mon meilleur ami même si malheureusement nos vies professionnelles nous ont quelque peu éloignés.
C’était ma première sortie officielle, sans doute la plus facile…
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Commentaires
C’est incroyable comme tu décris admirablement bien cette … appréhension avant de lâcher ce qui semble toujours devoir faire l’effet d’une bombe.
Et cette peur … terrible, de prendre le risque de perdre des gens que l’on aime. De se faire balayer d’un coup, aussi facilement, alors que cela ne change rien à ce que l’on était déjà. De réaliser que l’on comptait au final si peu, apparemment. C’est ça, qui ferait mal au plus profond de soi.
J’ai toujours eu, et aurai toujours, cette peur au moment de faire un coming out. Je n’ai jamais eu aucune réaction négative, loin de là. Jamais. Sans doute parce que j’ai des amis parfaits. Mais il reste malgré tout des personnes pour qui ce risque semble encore trop insurmontable, et à qui, en définitive, je mens, chaque jour. Au premier rang desquelles mes parents.
Mais j’ai bien trop peur de ce que je serais capable de faire s’ils me rejetaient.
J’ai rien à dire de plus que Bastoche, je crois qu’il a tout dit!
Pour ma part, personne de ma famille est au courant, et seuls quelques amis le sont, pour la plupart du même bord… Pour l’instant, j’avoue avoir assez peur d’en parler avec des amis, même si pourtant, en général, ça se passe bien.
Première étape franchie et comme je disais a je ne sias plus qui… ne perds pas autant de temps que moi, c’est si bon après de se sentir libre et tant pis pôur les cons ou les intolérants. La partie ne sera pas facile mais tu en sortiras grandi
biz
je suis admiratif…étant incapable de faire ce pas….pour ne pas l’avoir fait plus tôt.
Mais je pense qu’effectivement, on vit mieux après. Même si cela reste très difficile pour beaucoup.
Parcours semblable,en 1968,dans une école d’électronique,nous étions 3 inséparables,J-M,R.,et moi.J’étais amoureux de R.,lors de vacances,chez la grand-mère de J-M,j’avais partagé le lit de R.pour une nuit,et au matin,je lui avais dit en public,sur le ton de la plaisanterie “quelle nuit,tu m’as comblé!!!”.
C’était devenu un jeu,qui me permettait de lui dire,sans lui dire,les sentiments que j’éprouvais pour lui.
En 1976,dans sa maison de campagne, E.,ma meilleure amie me lança une perche.Après avoir hésité,(j’avais l’impression de jouer ma vie,à pile ou face),je leur dis que j’étais homosexuel.
R. éclata de rire en disant que ce n’était pas une nouveauté
jusqu’au moment,où je lui dit que c’était la réalité.
Moment de silence,et R. sportif,qui ne buvait jamais d’alcool,réclama un cognac.
S’en suivi une longue discussion,E.et R.,me rassurèrent,rien n’était changé. entre nous.
Je dormis peu la nuit,j’avais dit qui j’étais,mes amis me gardait leur amitié,je n’étais pas un monstre,la terre n’avait explosé.Comme le dit Corto,j’ai ressenti un énorme sentiment de liberté.
Mais si j’avais été rejeté,je ne sais pas ce que je serais devenu…
Après j’ai continué avec d’autres amis,puis mon frère (cela lui fit un gros choc)et ma belle-soeur,mes 2 cousins (presque des frères) et leurs épouses.Aucun ne m’a rejeté.
Les seuls à qui je n’en ai pas parlé,sont mes parents,je ne craignais pas un rejet,mais qu’ils se sentent responsables, nés en 1908 et 1912 ils sont d’une autre génération.Mon père est décédé il y a 3 ans.J’ai la chance d’avoir encore ma mère,mais par peur de la blesser,je me tais.
Je pense qu’au fond d’elle,elle le sait,j’ai parmi mes amis
2 couples d’hommes vivant ensemble,un couple en Savoie,l’autre en Charente,et ma mère est loin d’être bête.
Je vois que 43 ans après mon coming-out,il est toujours difficile de le faire,surtout avec ses parents.
Mais c’est une prison que nous portons en nous,nous sommes les seuls à pouvoir nous libérer.Cela en vaut la peine.
Vos vrais amis vous accepteront (ce sont les plus nombreux),les autres ne sont pas des amis.
Bon courage
Tu n’es vraiament qu’un sale pd !!! un studio
à belleville, j’était à 6 stations de métro !!!
mais bon je te pardonne.. d’abord on se connaissait pas donc ça complique pour inviter… et puis tu as du avoir une soirée difficile… mais content pour toi…. Bise …
@Francis : Petite rectification…je n’ai jamais eu de studio à belleville…c’était l’appart de S. en 2001 !
et pourquoi sale ???
A part l’expression de “café de pd” que tu m’as apprise (voir sur ce blog ou l’autre je ne sais quand ni pourquoi…) je ne connais que l’expression “sale pd”… et comme aurait dit ma mère “c’est du propre !!!”
Une chose est certaine : ce n’est qu’après que l’on se rend compte que ce n’était pas si difficile.
Toutefois, encore faut-il trouver le jus pour aller au charbon ainsi … le silence étant si confortable à court terme mais tellement étouffant à moyen et long terme.
C’est super bien écrit Poussin … avec des détails chirurgicaux. Bah tiens … en voila une première fois que je n’ai pas raconté dans les détails … à voir, à voir.
Toujours des mots choisis, un style parfait, des émotions qui te prennent aux tripes, décidément t’es un artiste des mots.
Maintenant fini de rire ! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
Mais merde pourquoi doit-on se sentir coupable ?
Pourquoi doit-on faire un coming-out (je trouve ce mot horrible en plus) ?
On est pas des bêtes de foire !!!!
Faut-il encore que je gueule comme ca
http://extragay.canalblog.com/archives/2009/10/11/15385491.html#comments
pour qu’on arrete ????
@ Maxivirus : Arrêtes je vais rougir…
Moin non plus je n’aime guère ce terme mais pourtant il est nécéssaire de dire certaines choses pour éviter les quiproquos et certains non dits.
Certes, il est “nécessaire” ou plutot “libérateur” de le dire à ceux que l’on aime et a qui l’on veux se confier, pour ne plus avoir besoin de faire attention aux mots que l’on utilise, mais nul n’est BESOIN de le dire à tout le monde.
PS : Si je dois te faire rougir, je préfèrerai que ca se fasse en privé 
@ Maxivirus : Ok pour ne pas le dire à tout le monde…
Pour rougir en privé…on ne se connait pas assez !!
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Mais pourquoi à chaque fois que je lis chez toi les articles ou tu te racontes, te confis mon petit coeur se serre…
D’abord tu en parles bien et ensuite parce que peu de gens peuvent s’imaginer le parcours difficiles pour beaucoup de dire, voilà je suis comme ça….
Tu évoques la peur de perdre tes amis mais ils t’ont choisis aussi pour tout ce que tu es, ce que tu représentes et le principal à leurs yeux n’est pas ta sexualité et heureusement !
Je ne me souviens plus et pourtant tu en avais parlé, mais est-ce que ton compagnon connait l’existence de ton blog ?
Bises et passe une bonne journée !
au fait va voir chez janjacQ, tu pourrais lui envoyer une photo de …. Non, pas de ce que tu crois….